There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
