Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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