you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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