I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
