Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
