What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
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I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
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Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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