One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
