This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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