your parents love me but you hate me
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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