We're facebook friends in real life
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
