and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
