Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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