Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
