New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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