He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
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I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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