I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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