So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
