Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
It was confusing and full of hummus
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
