I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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