Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
