Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
