no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
