It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
