I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Vodka?
Forever.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
