Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
