We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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