There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
