it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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