My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
