i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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