Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
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He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
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I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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