So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
