my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
