onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
