God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
