Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just gargled with NyQuil
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
