Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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