You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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