Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
