If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
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He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
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Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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