i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I am spending my child support on dildos
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
