omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
