The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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