I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
