some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
