I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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