I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
