Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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