I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
