yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
