Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
