Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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