quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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